Amending My Past While Fostering The Future
I grew up in a suburb of Sacramento, California, which ranges from million-dollar homes to low-income apartment complexes, separated by only a few streets. Our family was financially secure but not wealthy by any means. The schools that my siblings and I attended were - you could say - good enough. If we had it better or worse than another family, we wouldn’t have known. All the kids in my class wore hand-me-down clothes and participated in after-school programs just like I did.
In those days I wasn’t aware of the social-economic situations of my classmates. Sure, I knew that some kids’ parents were better off than others based on the birthday parties I went to, but I really had no idea what the private lives of my friends were like. I found out later in life that a few of my friends were in the foster system as children. One, in particular, was due to the death of their parents, and others had been placed with a foster family by CPS. Worries like these go unnoticed when you’re young, and that’s ok. But I see them now.
For about a ten year period after I got out of the Marine Corps in 2004, I was a straight-up criminal. I didn’t kill anyone or steal anything (not anything valued over $500 anyways), but I wasn’t living right. I got married and divorced faster than most people decide on paint colors and, at some point during this lawless walkabout, I could have had children. There’s no way to know what kind of parent I would have been at that time but, as irresponsible as I was, I would guess a bad one. This hypothetical child may very well have been placed in foster care and I could have landed in prison. Luckily for me, I stutter-stepped through most of my problems and somehow my life took a successful turn. I understand that good people in bad situations have impossible decisions to make and I’m just glad that I didn’t have to make any involving children.
After settling down and remarrying, my wife and I made the decision not to have children after taking the time to identify what we really wanted out of life. We live in uncertain times, as most times are, and raising children seems outrageous. We had just started a business, were about to start another, and we justified our decision because we knew we wouldn’t have time to spare for producing more humans. We’re dog people anyways. However, we did recognize the need for compassion and service in our community. Over the years we have volunteered time and money to animal rescue organizations and groups advocating for the homeless population.
In 2017 we agreed it was time to take the next step and become foster parents. We were partly inspired by my brother, Michael, who already had a foster placement and was getting ready to take on even more. Unfortunately, we had not prepared ourselves for the emotional ride we would go on over the next year and a half, and it showed.
Being a foster parent is not the same as being a full-time babysitter. Going into it, I had this idea that we were just a soft landing for kids in need and that we would be able to churn them out like some kind of loving-kindness factory. At that time I was running a business out of town every weekday, so my wife shouldered the burden of being the parent while I was the “fun guy” who came home on the weekend and played with the kids. She was amazing with the children and we both feel that we got a lot out of the experience. We had two different placements during our time as foster parents and both of them had truly tragic situations which landed them with us. It’s hard to reconcile what people are capable of, especially when it comes to children, and it took a lot of intestinal fortitude not to dwell on the atrocities these kids had endured before meeting us. While their stays with us were short, the emotional impact on us was everlasting. Being able to see a child relax and feel safe in your home just days after having their world turned upside down leaves an imprint on your heart. It’s not something that you can get over or forget about. While we might not be cut out to be full-time parents, we know we are willing and able to provide support to children in need. The lack of safe spaces for children in our society is alarming.
“Being a foster parent is not the same as being a full-time babysitter”
We are currently pursuing other ways to support foster kids. There is a need for volunteers outside of parenting, like transport and respite care. Our hectic life has calmed down a bit and perhaps we will foster again but, however we decide to support them, kids deserve our love. I hold the personal belief that I shouldn’t have my own children while so many are currently in need of a safe place to call home. Sometimes I think about the number of people on our planet and the effect that has on everything. Fostering children that are in need of a home is another way to reduce our impact on the environment. But, perhaps that is an issue for another time.
It doesn’t take any special skills or knowledge to help children in need, just the willingness to practice compassion. Here at For The Hidden, we have linked some organizations’ websites where you can donate money or possibly time and make a difference in a child’s life. We strive to actively support children in need and invite you to do the same. We have chosen to serve our communities for good and since foster kids are the future adults in these communities, it is crucial for us to give them all the support they need.
